(NOTE: This is more graphic than I usually discuss here- and I even edited some of it out!)
It's apparent to me that this is written by a male therapist who is writing under an anonymous heading. Therefore, he is far more black/white about his opinions. That being said, I appreciated reading his perspective regarding marriage given his experiences counseling couples. It's brutal and honest. I don't think it can hurt to consider it.
From the article:
What are the priorities in a good relationship?
I put a good sex life behind things like philosophical alignment in financial security, child discipline, trust, not allowing your insecurities to impose on your partner, job satisfaction, substance abuse, and most importantly, selflessness.
So are most marriages doomed to fail?
It is an archaic institution designed to expire concurrent with a woman's childbearing years, just like in the olden days. The idea of two people changing together and—more importantly— accepting each others changes over a 50-year span is delusional unless that person is undeniably your best friend in the whole world. Ever.
Needs-based relationships are doomed to fail, as are ones based on potential instead of reality. And if you hold any secrets—past or current—from your partner, your relationship is doomed to fail. A relationship based on sex is doomed to fail. Good sex alone cannot carry a relationship. It is better to work well together than to [have sex] well together because once you stop working well together, the [sex] takes a significant hit. When time, benevolence, mystery, and positive communication decrease within a relationship, the sex is sure to follow in direct proportion.
Does a great sex life with your partner mean the relationship is more likely to survive?
Sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I would have to say no. In my professional experience, a good sex life is directly tied into emotional connectedness. In fact, I would have to say that in three-quarters of all infidelity cases that I have seen, emotional detachment served as the catalyst. I think that good sex can keep a relationship together, but can't make it function at any sort of meaningful level. I feel that intimacy—i.e. kissing, cuddling, or any proximal form of contact—is way more important than sex.
Understand the realities: First, sex slows down when you have kids, in both frequency and intensity due to the physical and communicative demands the kids place on a relationship. I saw a couple once where the guy said that as newlyweds he and his wife would have sex everyday. They had kids. He logged more hours at the office due to their financial needs; she was exhausted from taking care of the kids all day; they spent less time together, and sex dropped to once a week. Combine that fatigue with the fact that she had two kids and was feeling far less confident about her figure. The busier you are, the more time you need to yourself for decompression.
Second, the old saying, "familiarity breeds contempt," tends to hold true. The more you know someone and their habits, the less sexy they become. There is an inherent seduction in the unknown; the possibility of what could be is always more fantastic then the reality. A professor of mine used to say that the best sex you'll ever have is in your head because no one person will be able to accommodate all of the fantasies and scenarios that you've conceived in your head over time.
