Watch this- all I can think about is how I need to start really practicing what I preach, and get used doing it within the next three months:
Friday, February 28, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
How can I make sure my baby girl is never hurt?
When I think about raising a teenage girl in the future, I think about all the challenges I faced growing up. A bit of bullying, a lot of self-confidence issues, and a whole lot of confusion.
I've read that telling little girls they are smart, or pretty is not necessarily the best thing in the grand scheme of things. I think the point is that you should compliment your child in the details, not just the broad strokes. For example, I can tell my girl she is kind, generous, or caring.
Read this article about how being pretty can be a loaded thing.
I've read that telling little girls they are smart, or pretty is not necessarily the best thing in the grand scheme of things. I think the point is that you should compliment your child in the details, not just the broad strokes. For example, I can tell my girl she is kind, generous, or caring.
Read this article about how being pretty can be a loaded thing.
Monday, February 17, 2014
What does chubby look like?
This was an excellent article which reminded me to re-examine what it means to be skinny, athletic, fat, etc. What we see in the magazines isn't reality. Almost never. We can't forget that.
The below is the same person, with pictures taken during the same week. Props to Lauren Fleshman for owning herself. I think she's a rock star.
The below is the same person, with pictures taken during the same week. Props to Lauren Fleshman for owning herself. I think she's a rock star.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Happy Couples
I'm always reading about what it takes to make marriages work. I am willing to work at it every day for the rest of our lives to ensure that we are as successful as possible. This article is great advice for us newbies.
The best advice I appreciated was the following instructions:
-To cultivate positive interactions every day by either, giving a compliment, showing appreciation, relive a fun memory, or doing something nice for your partner.
-Talk at least 5 hours a week
-Have more sex (at least two times a week).
-Do fun stuff together
-Laugh together
-Fight nice
When you are having a rough day, it's hard to think beyond yourself. But we have to try. If both parties do so, what's the worst that can happen?
The best advice I appreciated was the following instructions:
-To cultivate positive interactions every day by either, giving a compliment, showing appreciation, relive a fun memory, or doing something nice for your partner.
-Talk at least 5 hours a week
-Have more sex (at least two times a week).
-Do fun stuff together
-Laugh together
-Fight nice
When you are having a rough day, it's hard to think beyond yourself. But we have to try. If both parties do so, what's the worst that can happen?
Thursday, February 13, 2014
what are they really scared of?
This anchor, Dale Hansen—the sports anchor for ABC's Dallas affiliate WFAA—responding to the news that University of Missouri lineman Michael Sam had come out as a gay man, as well as to some people's immediate response that the revelation would hurt the All-American player's chances in the NFL draft this spring.
He's right, every time something "new" comes to sports, there is a negative response. Then people get over it. It will happen soon. This is just the start.
My question for you is, why don't we all worry about ourselves, instead of others?
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Speak up for what's right
What would you do if you heard someone saying something offensive in front of you? What would you do if it was in public and that person was a stranger? Would you stand up to a bully?
I know it's hard to speak up. What happens if that offensive person starts laying in on you? The reality is that this mean person is probably afraid of something they don't understand. Life is too short to let fear stand in the way of what is right. If you see something, say something.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Prepare your babies for the crazies
I've been thinking a lot about the prevalence of sexual abuse, in particular, little kids. Did you know that one in four girls, and one in six boys have an experience with sexual molestation before the age of 18? Now that we are having a little one, I can't help but think about all the ways I need to help protect my girl, but also teach her to be strong and confidant. I don't want her to be scared of the world, but I want her to be cautious as well.
It's a tall order.
This article has some excellent tips on how to talk to your child about sexual abuse. Read this. Be prepared. Full content below.
It’s also important to not treat the subject like its taboo or dirty (which is how we often treat anything related to sex). Even when parents try to hide their feelings, children are often very perceptive and pick up on small cues telling them that something is wrong. They then may think talking about someone hurting them might be wrong even if you say it’s not. So speak from a calm, casual, and loving frame of mind when having these conversations.
2. Begin talking to them as young as 2 years old: This may seem very early but children under 12 are most at risk at 4 years old. Even if they can’t speak well, children at this age are busy figuring out the world. And they certainly understand and remember a lot more than adults usually realize.
For example, when giving a bath, tell them where their private parts are and that the parent is seeing and touching them to clean them but that normally nobody should.
3. Teach them the actual names of their private parts: When you begin teaching them parts of their body like ears, eyes, and toes, also teach them the real names of their private parts like “vagina” and “penis” and not their “cute” names. This gives them the right words to use if someone is hurting them and makes sure the person being told understands what’s happening. It’s also important to teach both female and male anatomy because the abuser can be of either gender and they need to know how to describe what happens to them.
In one case, a child told her parent that her stomach was hurting. When they took her to the doctor, he informed them that her vagina showed signs of rape. Their little daughter had been trying to tell them what was happening but she just didn’t know what to call her vagina so she said stomach instead.
4. Share the only instances when their private parts can be seen and touched: An age appropriate concept for a young child to understand is that nobody – including a parent or caregiver – should see or touch their private parts – what a swimming suit covers up – unless they’re keeping them clean, safe, or healthy. But also make sure they know that even in these situations, if someone is hurting them, they can still say, “stop, it hurts” and tell their parent immediately.
Some examples to help them understand what you’re talking about are when you’re giving them a bath or a doctor is seeing them. Ask them if that’s an example of keeping them clean, safe, or healthy as you’re doing it.
5. Teach them their private parts are special: When talking about this topic, it’s important to not create a taboo or dirty feeling around their private parts. Instead parents can teach their child that their private parts are so special that they’re just for them and no one else.
Only when needing to keep their private parts clean, safe, or healthy are other people allowed to see or touch them. This is also an important step to help children develop a healthy sexuality before discussing sex itself with them.
6. Teach them (and respect) their right to control their bodies: This flies in the face of what we often teach our children – that adults have absolute authority over everything and children have to do what they’re told. The problem is that this only teaches them to not speak up when they’re feeling hurt and scared because of what an adult is telling them to do. Instead, teach your child that their body is theirs and no one has the right to hurt their bodies even when a grown up is doing it. For children, it’s very empowering to have permission to say “no” to an adult if they’re uncomfortable with the request.
For example, when you’re at a social event, don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone. Instead let your child know they can give a kiss, hug, handshake, or nothing to people they see and it’s entirely up to them. And when an adult tries to make them give them a hug and they don’t want to, encourage the child to say “no” and support their decision verbally if needed.
7. Explain that no one should physically hurt them, especially in their private parts. 85% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone they know. It may be a parent, relative, family friend, neighbor, teacher, or religious leader. It may be a man, woman, or another child. It can be anyone. No one unfortunately is on the safe list. In fact, children are most vulnerable with the family members and acquaintances. So make sure your child knows that no one can hurt their bodies no matter who they’re with – even when they’re with their mommy or daddy.
It’s also important that they understand you’re talking to them about this because you love them and want them to be safe. Just like you teach them about crossing the road because they might get hit by a car, you’re also teaching them that someone might sexually hurt them. It doesn’t mean it will happen. But in case someone tries to, your child will know they can say “no, stop that” and tell you what happened without you being upset with them.
8. Encourage them to trust their gut around their safety: While parents shouldn’t instill a fear of people in their child, they should support their child in trusting their gut instinct. By trusting their intuition, children will both be more empowered around making their own choices about who’s safe instead of relying on a parent telling them. This is important because a parent won’t always be there with them.
One way is to tell the child before social events that if they ever feel uncomfortable with someone – even if nothing has happened, they should leave the room and tell their parent. Even if it looks “rude,” they should know that they will not be punished for simply leaving the room. Their sense of safety comes before the need to be “polite.”
9. Explain that a secret is still a secret when shared with the parents: Many abusers tell their child victims that what happened was a secret and to not tell anyone, especially their parents. So it’s important to teach them early on that secrets are still kept secret if they tell their mom or dad. Additionally, they should understand anyone who wants them to keep secrets from their parents shouldn’t be trusted and they should definitely tell their parents about it.
10. Tell them that you will believe them if someone is hurting them and they won’t be in trouble: Many abusers tell their victims that no one will believe them and create a sense of shame around what happened. Children in general, usually blame themselves and take responsibility for things that happen in their lives, regardless of who’s actually responsible for it. Given this, children often fear what their parent will do if they tell them, including being punished. Make sure they know without a doubt that you won’t be upset, that they’ve done the right thing, and that you’re proud of them for telling them the truth.
You wouldn’t tell your child just once to not cross the street without looking both ways. You’d tell them several times and probably even quiz them about what they need to do when they want to cross the road.
It’s the same deal for sexual abuse – except you have this conversation from a much earlier age and it changes as your child grows up and becomes a teenager.
While nothing can keep your child 100% safe, if you keep an open, casual dialogue with your child, keep an eye out for signs, and pay attention to how your child responds to people, you’ve significantly reduced the risk of someone sexually abusing your child.
For more resources, please visit:
It's a tall order.
This article has some excellent tips on how to talk to your child about sexual abuse. Read this. Be prepared. Full content below.
Ways of Approaching the Conversation
1. Frame the conversation for yourself as a way of loving your child: Starting from a loving place and not a scared place will help create the calm environment for your child. This will help them really listen to the words you’re saying. If you’re frightened and stressed, they will react primarily to that fear and not register what you’re saying as much.It’s also important to not treat the subject like its taboo or dirty (which is how we often treat anything related to sex). Even when parents try to hide their feelings, children are often very perceptive and pick up on small cues telling them that something is wrong. They then may think talking about someone hurting them might be wrong even if you say it’s not. So speak from a calm, casual, and loving frame of mind when having these conversations.
2. Begin talking to them as young as 2 years old: This may seem very early but children under 12 are most at risk at 4 years old. Even if they can’t speak well, children at this age are busy figuring out the world. And they certainly understand and remember a lot more than adults usually realize.
For example, when giving a bath, tell them where their private parts are and that the parent is seeing and touching them to clean them but that normally nobody should.
3. Teach them the actual names of their private parts: When you begin teaching them parts of their body like ears, eyes, and toes, also teach them the real names of their private parts like “vagina” and “penis” and not their “cute” names. This gives them the right words to use if someone is hurting them and makes sure the person being told understands what’s happening. It’s also important to teach both female and male anatomy because the abuser can be of either gender and they need to know how to describe what happens to them.
In one case, a child told her parent that her stomach was hurting. When they took her to the doctor, he informed them that her vagina showed signs of rape. Their little daughter had been trying to tell them what was happening but she just didn’t know what to call her vagina so she said stomach instead.
4. Share the only instances when their private parts can be seen and touched: An age appropriate concept for a young child to understand is that nobody – including a parent or caregiver – should see or touch their private parts – what a swimming suit covers up – unless they’re keeping them clean, safe, or healthy. But also make sure they know that even in these situations, if someone is hurting them, they can still say, “stop, it hurts” and tell their parent immediately.
Some examples to help them understand what you’re talking about are when you’re giving them a bath or a doctor is seeing them. Ask them if that’s an example of keeping them clean, safe, or healthy as you’re doing it.
5. Teach them their private parts are special: When talking about this topic, it’s important to not create a taboo or dirty feeling around their private parts. Instead parents can teach their child that their private parts are so special that they’re just for them and no one else.
Only when needing to keep their private parts clean, safe, or healthy are other people allowed to see or touch them. This is also an important step to help children develop a healthy sexuality before discussing sex itself with them.
6. Teach them (and respect) their right to control their bodies: This flies in the face of what we often teach our children – that adults have absolute authority over everything and children have to do what they’re told. The problem is that this only teaches them to not speak up when they’re feeling hurt and scared because of what an adult is telling them to do. Instead, teach your child that their body is theirs and no one has the right to hurt their bodies even when a grown up is doing it. For children, it’s very empowering to have permission to say “no” to an adult if they’re uncomfortable with the request.
For example, when you’re at a social event, don’t make your child kiss or hug anyone. Instead let your child know they can give a kiss, hug, handshake, or nothing to people they see and it’s entirely up to them. And when an adult tries to make them give them a hug and they don’t want to, encourage the child to say “no” and support their decision verbally if needed.
7. Explain that no one should physically hurt them, especially in their private parts. 85% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone they know. It may be a parent, relative, family friend, neighbor, teacher, or religious leader. It may be a man, woman, or another child. It can be anyone. No one unfortunately is on the safe list. In fact, children are most vulnerable with the family members and acquaintances. So make sure your child knows that no one can hurt their bodies no matter who they’re with – even when they’re with their mommy or daddy.
It’s also important that they understand you’re talking to them about this because you love them and want them to be safe. Just like you teach them about crossing the road because they might get hit by a car, you’re also teaching them that someone might sexually hurt them. It doesn’t mean it will happen. But in case someone tries to, your child will know they can say “no, stop that” and tell you what happened without you being upset with them.
8. Encourage them to trust their gut around their safety: While parents shouldn’t instill a fear of people in their child, they should support their child in trusting their gut instinct. By trusting their intuition, children will both be more empowered around making their own choices about who’s safe instead of relying on a parent telling them. This is important because a parent won’t always be there with them.
One way is to tell the child before social events that if they ever feel uncomfortable with someone – even if nothing has happened, they should leave the room and tell their parent. Even if it looks “rude,” they should know that they will not be punished for simply leaving the room. Their sense of safety comes before the need to be “polite.”
9. Explain that a secret is still a secret when shared with the parents: Many abusers tell their child victims that what happened was a secret and to not tell anyone, especially their parents. So it’s important to teach them early on that secrets are still kept secret if they tell their mom or dad. Additionally, they should understand anyone who wants them to keep secrets from their parents shouldn’t be trusted and they should definitely tell their parents about it.
10. Tell them that you will believe them if someone is hurting them and they won’t be in trouble: Many abusers tell their victims that no one will believe them and create a sense of shame around what happened. Children in general, usually blame themselves and take responsibility for things that happen in their lives, regardless of who’s actually responsible for it. Given this, children often fear what their parent will do if they tell them, including being punished. Make sure they know without a doubt that you won’t be upset, that they’ve done the right thing, and that you’re proud of them for telling them the truth.
But Here’s the Most Important Thing To Do
If you remember nothing else, remember this – these conversations should be ongoing, open, and casual.You wouldn’t tell your child just once to not cross the street without looking both ways. You’d tell them several times and probably even quiz them about what they need to do when they want to cross the road.
It’s the same deal for sexual abuse – except you have this conversation from a much earlier age and it changes as your child grows up and becomes a teenager.
While nothing can keep your child 100% safe, if you keep an open, casual dialogue with your child, keep an eye out for signs, and pay attention to how your child responds to people, you’ve significantly reduced the risk of someone sexually abusing your child.
For more resources, please visit:
Friday, February 7, 2014
Mean Kids and Bullying
When I was a kid, my mom would tell me that if someone was mean to me, she would SIT ON THEM. That was her big threat/promise. It made me laugh, feel secure and protected all at the same time.
I loved reading this blog, about a mom trying to help support her son who was being bullied.
I'm going to hate having to help my baby through these messes that will unfortunately come its way. I will try to teach my kids not to be bullies themselves. I will try to coach them about how to be confident enough to deal with meanies in a productive way. But I will threaten to sit on anyone who gets in their way.
I loved reading this blog, about a mom trying to help support her son who was being bullied.
I'm going to hate having to help my baby through these messes that will unfortunately come its way. I will try to teach my kids not to be bullies themselves. I will try to coach them about how to be confident enough to deal with meanies in a productive way. But I will threaten to sit on anyone who gets in their way.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thank you, Lena Dunham
Lena Dunham is in the news daily, it seems. With popularity like that it's hard to pay attention to what she has to say. When I read her tweets about the recently re-discussed hot topic of Woody Allen allegedly abusing his step-daughter, I was pleased.
"Most victims NEVER speak up. Most never feel they can. These are not stories we tell for fun, attention or revenge." -Lena Dunham
Abuse, molestation, sexual assault of any sort, is horrendous. The few times it is proven that alleged victims have lied about their accusations gets far more attention than actual sexual abuse cases that are out there. These experiences are real, and they are vile.
Dylan Farrow was a young girl who accused her step father or sexually abusing her. It was determined by prosecutors that she was too emotionally unstable to handle a court case. Since that time, famous actors have defended Woody Allen. These actors have no idea what happened. They weren't there. The professional accolades Allen received over the past forty years are the reason famous actors don't want to believe he is guilty.
Every time we assume a victim is lying, abusers escape penalty, somewhere.
Thank you Lena Dunham, for writing in public, what few famous people have. Thank you for using your voice and your fame to protect those that need it most.
"Most victims NEVER speak up. Most never feel they can. These are not stories we tell for fun, attention or revenge." -Lena Dunham
Abuse, molestation, sexual assault of any sort, is horrendous. The few times it is proven that alleged victims have lied about their accusations gets far more attention than actual sexual abuse cases that are out there. These experiences are real, and they are vile.
Dylan Farrow was a young girl who accused her step father or sexually abusing her. It was determined by prosecutors that she was too emotionally unstable to handle a court case. Since that time, famous actors have defended Woody Allen. These actors have no idea what happened. They weren't there. The professional accolades Allen received over the past forty years are the reason famous actors don't want to believe he is guilty.
Every time we assume a victim is lying, abusers escape penalty, somewhere.
Thank you Lena Dunham, for writing in public, what few famous people have. Thank you for using your voice and your fame to protect those that need it most.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Pretending to be perfect
I read this article and was inspired by it's honesty. This delightful blogger gives people a heads up that she can't be friends with them if they expect her to be perfect with a perfect house, or perfect kids.
Let's be honest, that isn't obtainable. Especially if you have young kids, and you don't have professional help assisting you.
"It’s just way too stressful, and trying to keep my home perfectly neat in this stage in life is impossible and overwhelming. I used to be more put together, believe it or not, I am naturally organized ( and a little OCD) . But then my kids became mobile, they gained up on me, and my life and time were no longer my own."-Dugans Incahoots
Stop putting pressure on ourselves, or our friends to overwhelm ourselves. Raising perfect little people will be hard enough.
Let's be honest, that isn't obtainable. Especially if you have young kids, and you don't have professional help assisting you.
"It’s just way too stressful, and trying to keep my home perfectly neat in this stage in life is impossible and overwhelming. I used to be more put together, believe it or not, I am naturally organized ( and a little OCD) . But then my kids became mobile, they gained up on me, and my life and time were no longer my own."-Dugans Incahoots
Stop putting pressure on ourselves, or our friends to overwhelm ourselves. Raising perfect little people will be hard enough.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Just suck it up!
There is nothing more annoying in the world than someone telling you to "suck it up," when you are stuck.
Here are some examples of people thinking they are helping, but in reality are being super obtuse.
Depression is real, and it can't be sucked up. Mental illness deserves compassion and patience. 20 million people in our country suffer from mood disorders, every year.
Here are some examples of people thinking they are helping, but in reality are being super obtuse.
Depression is real, and it can't be sucked up. Mental illness deserves compassion and patience. 20 million people in our country suffer from mood disorders, every year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)