rage KaGe loses it

I lost my temper today.  It was pretty bad.  I was baited, and then I did some baiting.  It was an absolute moment of weakness on my part.  No situation ever warrants losing your cool.  In the end, you'll be left with regret- at least I am.
The reason I lost my temper is meaningless.  I felt justified in the moment.  I was at work, and I asked someone to do something nominal and he went from 0 to 60 in ten seconds.  This is the type of person that always is right. Always.  It never matters what the other person is saying.
Mind you, he works under me.  Further, we both work under my father.  Have I told you I work for my Pops?  I do.  I have for over ten years.
In that time, I have learned a lot.  I mostly learned what not to do.  I've learned how to be clear in order to get the desired results I seek.  I've learned to take a few risks.  I've also learned to watch my father's back.  That's really what I see myself doing every day.  I make sure no one is trying to screw him over- or I try to.  Sometimes I'm more successful than others.
I always got the feeling this person was using my dad.  He was telling Pops what he wanted to hear in order to get ahead, or worse, get what he wanted.  Over time, I grew to distrust him so when he snapped at me today, I snapped back big time.
Pops has been calling me a pit bull for a decade- he proudly tells people that have never met me before that I have similar character traits to a pit bull.  He warns them to never cross me.  Today, he was right.  I had enough and I attacked.  I felt, in the moment, that I was finally able to defend my dad against this idiot.  In the process I'm certain I embarrassed Pops, instead.
Pops doesn't need my help, I'm certain.  I've noticed though, it's a funny thing.... getting older.  You start taking care of your parents more. Being a care taker is part of the role you play as a grown child.  Our parents have done enough already, haven't they?
Then again, I still need Pops.  Maybe one of these days I'll learn from him how to not go all rage KaGe annually.  After this incident he calmly told me to "use this as a learning experience and move one."  That was all he needed to say.
I'm still learning.

Barefoot and Intelligent

This story is amazing.  A Ted talk from an Indian man who left his bright future to be barefoot in rural villages.

• The point?  The solutions are already out there. 
• Women make this work.  More specifically,  Grandmothers make this work
• People with innate skill sets make this work.  
• We must give people a chance to shine. 

"first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you and then you win" -Ghandi

Time is Priceless (and free!)

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.” 
― Harvey MacKay

So why do we waste the time we have?  I am guilty of it.  I procrastinate and fill my time with... I'm not exactly sure.  I fill my time with distractions which perpetuates my feeling that I am always behind on some sort of deadline, internal or otherwise.  I've been this way since I was a kid.  It's a miracle I made it through high school, college, grad school and I have a successful career.

You can't always get what you want, how you want it

From their annual surveys, they’ve found that Americans prefer to create or understand their religion or faith in a way that will fit their lifestyle, not the other way around. "We are a designer society. We want everything customized to our personal needs -- our clothing, our food, our education,Now it's our religion.”


This happens because man has interjected their own suppositions about faith, construing the dogma as they see fit.  Even church fathers are guilty of this.  

My dad is always complaining about how the younger generations try to contour life to suit a more benevolent approach.  As a society, we decided not to keep track of the score at kids soccer games.  We let people get away with dishonorable actions. 


Does it really make life easier in the long run?  Probably not.

a literal neural path to happiness

"Over time, the same positive thought ("I am going to catch this ball") reinforces the strength of the positive route that’s being run. And, as logic follows, a negative thought ("I don’t think I can catch this ball today") reinforces the neurons’ familiar, negative route."


The above is from an post on one of my favorite blogs from a book on happiness- "Delivery Happiness" by Tony Hsieh.  He's the business mastermind behind the Zappos brand.  

Here are a few tips from Rick Hanson’'s Buddha’s Brain for strengthening your positive neural circuitry:

• Turn positive facts into positive experiences. Good things keep happening all around us, but much of the time we don't notice them; even when we do, we often hardly feel them. Whatever positive facts you find, bring a mindful awareness to them open up to them and let them affect you. It's like sitting down to a banquet; don't just look at it dig in!
• Savor the experience. Make it last by staying with it for 5, 10, even 20 seconds; don't let your attention skitter off to something else. The longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in memory (Lewis 2005).

ugly duckling

 
 

     I always felt like such an ugly duckling growing up- I remember reading the story of how the beautiful swan emerged from what used to be the poor ugly duckling and I thought to myself, "gee, maybe that will be me one day!"  

     It's been a long hard road.  However, I can honestly say I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin now and enjoy my life so much, that I can be exactly myself all of the time.  I think that makes me a far more beautiful swan than pretty white feathers would any day.
     Funny enough, this reminds me of Tina Fey, and her revelation of her high school graduation picture. Wow has she come a long way.  The best part about her, however, is how freaking funny and cool she is.  Who cares how much of a nerd-bot she was in high school!

buhbye!

How friendly are you?  Are you nice to strangers?   Check out this little girl.  She is adorable, friendly, and enthusiastic about life.  The best part?  Everyone who says "bye" back to her.  Here's the back story. 

Things we wish we knew....

I love reading lists like this- it makes me consider what I've learned, and still need some work on.

1. First up: Stop worrying so much! It's useless. (I.e. Jesus was right.)

2. Being a saint means being yourself. Stop trying to be someone else and just be your best self. Saves you heartache.

3. There's no right way to pray, any more than there's a right way to be a friend. What's "best" is what works best for you.

4. Remember three things and save yourself lots of unneeded heartache: You're not God. This ain't heaven. Don't act like a jerk.

5. Your deepest, most heartfelt desires are God's desires for you. And vice versa. Listen. And follow them.

6. Within you is the idea of your best self. Act as if you were that person and you will become that person, with God's grace.

7. Don't worry too much about the worst that can happen. Even if it happens, God is with you, and you can handle it. Really.

8. You can't force people to approve of you, agree with you, be impressed with you, love you or even like you. Stop trying.

9. When we compare, we are usually imagining someone else's life falsely. So our real-life loses out. I.e. Compare and despair.

10. Even when you finally realized the right thing, or the Christian thing, to do, it can still be hard to do. Do it anyway.

11. Seven things to say frequently: I love you. Thank you. Thank you, God. Forgive me. I'm so happy for you! Why not? Yes.

12. Peace and joy come after asking God to free you -- from anything that keeps you from being loving and compassionate.

Things we wish we knew (II)

Much like my post from last week, here are some things we should try NOT to do.  It's worth a read:  

1. Compare. Ever heard the saying "Compare and despair"? Comparing yourself to someone else usually means that you imagine the other person is better off, more satisfied -- in a word, happier. But here's the problem: We end up comparing what we know about our life, which is a mixed bag of good and bad, with a fantasy of someone else's supposedly "perfect" life. Why do we do this? Because we know all about our own problems, but other people's problems are harder to see. As a result, our real life always loses out. That leads to despair. Besides, there's probably someone comparing his or her life to your supposedly perfect one -- which shows you how ridiculous it all is.

2. "Should" on Yourself. It's devilishly easy to imagine yourself making a choice that would have taken you to a different place in your life. I should have married this person; I should have taken that job; I should have moved; I should have blah, blah, blah. This is called "shoulding all over yourself." (Say it aloud and the negative meaning becomes clearer.) Reflecting on our choices is an important way to grow, but you can't live your real life if you're busy living in your "should have" life. You'll end up torturing yourself. Jesus of Nazareth once said you can't serve two masters. You can't live two lives either.

3. Get People to Like You. I spent all of my teens, most of my 20s, a great deal of my 30s and too much of my 40s trying to get people to like me. But forcing people's affection rarely works. Plus, it takes too much energy to tailor yourself to what you think people will like (which is impossible to figure out anyway). Your true friends like you already. Be open to change and growth by all means; but treasure friends who love you for who you are. St. Francis de Sales, a lighthearted 17th-century saint, once said: "Be who you are and be that perfectly well."

4. Interrupt. We all think we're good listeners. We're not. Many of us are absolutely terrible listeners, impatiently waiting for our turn to speak, confident that our next utterance is the solution to everyone's problems or the most interesting of all the commentary yet offered. But you can't contribute intelligently to any conversation if you're not listening what the other person is saying. Interrupting someone says, "I have no interest in even letting you finish your thought." As my sister tells her children, you have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

5. Worry About How You Look. I cut myself shaving: Is the blood still showing? I have a zit: Is it getting bigger or going away? I need a haircut: Should I get one today or tomorrow? Are these pants too short? Too long? Who cares? Sure, you need to look presentable for your job and a decent appearance is a sign of respect to those around you. But if your friends are overly concerned about your clothes, and judge you on that basis, they may not be the best friends for you. And who in their right mind cares what strangers think about your clothes, unless you're a fashion model? Spend less time thinking about your outside and more about your inside.

6. Work Constantly. We are immersed in a culture of productivity, which says that we are what we do. That's why the first question out of someone's mouth upon meeting a stranger is often "So what do you do?" We also measure ourselves by how much money we have, or make. Thus, discussions about salary are a big taboo. You can ask someone about their facelift or their divorce, but not what they earn. Why? Because it's the default measure of worth, and it ruthlessly places people on a social ladder. If someone makes more than we do, we may feel "less than." Look, everyone's got to work. But if value is gauged by wealth, then when we make less, we feel less valuable as human beings, which is tragic. Nelson Mandela didn't make much money when he was imprisoned in South Africa; was he less valuable? Plus, if we are what we do, when we're not working we're nothing. This kind of thinking creates a skewed measure of "value." Stop driving yourself nuts with the trap of constant work.

7. Fail to Give People a Break. Hey, surly person behind the drugstore counter: Why didn't you say thanks when you handed me my change? Hey, barista, why are you being so rude? Stop and think. Maybe it's because they're underpaid; they hate their low-paying job; their mother is dying. Remember that behind those frowning faces are full lives. Remember too, that all these people all beloved creatures of God, with their own human dignity, and holy in their own way -- yes, holy. When the Book of Genesis said that God looked at everything and said, "It was good," he meant people, too. Even the angry barista. Give them their dignity by giving them a break.

8. Complain About Minor Illnesses. If you've got a serious or chronic illness, you need to share your struggles and frustrations with your physician, with friends and family, or even a therapist. You need support. But do you have a cold that has hung on for days and makes you phlegmy? When you bend over like this does your back ache because you pulled a muscle in the gym? No one really wants to hear about minor illnesses. Everyone gets sick, for Pete's sake. In the words of the great prophets, suck it up.

9. Be a Jerk. You're tired. You're rushed. You've got a cold. You're late. You're angry about something your boss said. Yes, you're miserable. That doesn't mean you have to be a jerk to everyone else. It really doesn't. Sure, share your frustrations and struggles with close friends, but don't make everyone else's life more miserable by passing on your misery. Once, I joked to a friend, "Boy, my life is such a cross!" "Yes," he said, "But for you or others?"

10. Avoid Doing the Right Thing. It's no fun to call a friend who is in a bad mood because she's lost her job. It's no fun to take responsibility for making a mistake. It's no fun to speak out against racism, sexism or homophobia and stand up for those being mocked. It's not fun, it takes effort; but you know it's the right thing to do. Do it anyway. If you don't, you'll feel terrible about yourself, and that's really no fun.

11. Make Fun of People. Nothing brings me lower than a few minutes of mocking another person. (Particularly if the person is not present.) But the snappy putdown has a high value in our culture, and famous snubs (say, of one famous writer to another) are repeated, and treasured like beautiful jewels. Much of our current political climate consists of politicians mocking people in the other party. (That's been a big help in this country, hasn't it?) Malicious speech is an easy way to wound. If you feel like you're powerless against badmouthing someone, ask yourself three questions when it comes to commenting on another: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?

12. Be Hard on Yourself. One of my Jesuit mentors used to say, "Be easy with yourself, Jim." If you're reading this list, and taking it at all seriously, you may be beating yourself up about stupid things that you've done in the past. (Believe me, my list is just as long as yours.) But you also want to change yourself, which is good. So be careful to "trust in the slow work of God," as the Jesuit Pierre Teilhard de Chardin used to say. (He was also a paleontologist, so he knew about things moving really slowly.) Or if you don't believe in God, trust in slow work, period.

If you ever get discouraged about your rate of change, just think about trees -- yes, trees. In the summer they're green. In the fall they're red. And no one sees them change.

Volunteering

I grew up with parents that were happy to lend a hand to whomever, whenever. My mom helped at hospitals, picked up old people when they needed a ride somewhere, visited sick friends, made dinner for someone who needed it, etc etc.  I recall my dad driving through the city one day, stopping the car (we were wondering what was going on), and running across the street to help someone in a wheel chair who was having problems getting onto a sidewalk.  They are just those type of people.

It must be why volunteering makes sense to me.  It's a part of my life.  My parents taught me "to whom much is given, much is expected."  You can never sit on your laurels.  If you have a lot you have to give back.

That is why, when I read this little interview, I got it.  When I travel internationally to help others, it makes my life seem so trivial- but all the more worthwhile.  It matters.  Lend a hand when you can.

How to be interesting

This is how you do it....here

How are you doing?

I was at church a few days ago and I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a few months.  I said "good morning" and "how are you" ...and she did the same.  We smiled.  I responded and told her I was doing well.  She paused and said, "no, KG, how are you really doing?"

It was one of the nicest things someone has done for me in awhile.  This woman isn't a best friend, or even a close friend.  I've just met her through volunteering efforts.  But I have always found her to be sincere and kind.  So her question was well placed and well received.

It's important to read between the lines when you are checking in with friends- all to often we give automatic responses that we are fine and everything is "ok".  Perhaps we should consider actually telling the truth every now and again.  See what happens.....

Good Feeling

Oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah  -Etta James


This song is stuck in my head.  It's contagious and makes me so happy!  Songs like this are some of the best gifts we can find for ourselves.  

Hug Someone

I think a nice firm hug feels good.  It energizes me.  It makes me feel loved and secure- even if from a virtual stranger.

Studies show that affection given to children makes a huge difference in the people they become.  It affects their body chemistry and ultimately, who they become in life and their physical as well as mental health.

As Frederick Douglass noted, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”


Check out this article here about the topic.  

Anger

"Anger is only one letter short of danger."-Ralph Waldo Emerson


How clever is that statement?  Whenever I give in to my anger, it turns me into someone I don't like.  

Grateful

Be Yourself

Second Chances

I was at a Job Fair interviewing people through work a few months ago.  These people were nervous and intimidated.  I could tell they were a bit scared to be interviewing with anyone.  The prospective candidates just finished a 10 week Good Will Training program successfuilly.  Several of these candidates have been to jail or had drug problems in their past.  I could tell they were ashamed and embarrass to mention or elude the gap in their resume.
I've reviewed thousands of  resumes and interviewed hundreds of people for almost ten years.  There isn't a way to be absolutely prepared for what I experienced that day.  All I could do was acknowledge their checkered past without any shock or awe.  I tried to make them laugh a bit to relax them.  One woman was so appreciative of how much respect I offered her- she hugged me when we were done.
These people didn't grow up with the same opportunities as I had.  They generally didnt have the same experiences as I did.
But I left feeling inspired by their determination to build something new for themselves.  If they can fight to build a second future for themselves, I think we should consider the possibility that they deserve one.

Never Date Again

"Marie: Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. 
Jess: You'll never have to be out there again."
- When Harry Met Sally


I can't wait until the above is my reality.  Dating is often the most exhausting thing to contemplate.  Honestly, I have so much fun with my life and my friends and family, its hard to get excited about finding this person, who at this point, feels mythical.  
---------
UPDATE:  I wrote the above draft post in March of 2011, ten months ago.  Never having to be out there again is feeling just as great as I thought it would.  


I never posted the blog post before because it seemed pessimistic - and I couldn't find a hopeful spin to it.   Just this past weekend, that quote came up in my head as I was blissfully running through my day.  This time, it's for real.  I never have to be out there again.  Patience paid off.  

Just Do It