Friends of Friends

This is one of the things that I thought made me weird.  Apparently, not.   I'm a social network builder.  And it makes me even happier as I get older. 
1. Triadic closure. In a phenomenon called “triadic closure,” people tend to befriend the friends of their friends – and this is very satisfying. Friendships thrive on inter-connection, and it’s both energizing and comforting to feel that you’re building not just friendships, but a social network. I now make much more of an effort to help my friends become friends with each other, and to befriend friends’ friends. (Total non sequitur: “befriend friends’ friends” is quite a phrase! Bad writing, but I couldn’t resist.)- Gretchen Rubin

Reaching out

In this country though, we DO have people who are forgotten and hunger for companionship, people who thirst for conversation, people who are clothed in loneliness and feel imprisoned in their own homes, people who feel emotional sickness – often depression for lack of love.  We do have that here in this country.  I’ve seen it and have even felt it.

Even Mother Teresa used to note, “In the West, you may not have the physical poverty that we have in India, yet you have another type of poverty – a poverty of love. People are hungry for attention. They are thirsty for compassion. They long for a listening ear.

-Reaching Out to the lonely and forgotten, Anesti Jordanoglou

When I read the above from a sermon, I thought about how often I cheer for the underdog.  I seek out those who don't have anyone.  Those that are lost.  Those that seem lonely. Because I've been there.  And I may be there again.  And I want people that love me, and maybe even those that don't, to take the time to reach out to help me.  Be kind.  It matters.  The smallest thing to you, can be the biggest thing to someone else.  

Success

 "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."  -Winston Churchill 

If Ida can do it....

Sometimes I feel defeated before I even begin to work out.  Ugh, I'm tired.  Ach, I want to hang out with my friends.  I have errands...work... chores... excuses.  And then I saw this video, and I felt like a total wimp.  This lady has what it takes!  What an inspiration.

Ida rockin it

Why I'm still single

I get this question a lot.  And I think what people really want to ask is, "I don't get it, you seem nice and normal, so what is reallllly wrong with you?"  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  Check out this article, here which speaks to an article that Terry McMillan wrote, which I feel was totally barbaric.  What's her damage anyway?
The only thing wrong with me is that I have standards and I don't want to marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

Answers to questions are already present

"All wisdom is not new wisdom."— Winston Churchill


Think about the above.  It makes sense.  The answers to all of our questions, and if you are like me you have a lot of them, are right in front of  us.  You either have to be brave enough to ask, or to open your eyes and stop assuming you already know what the answers are.  
When I think about what Mr. Churchill said, I think about my grandparents.  They are the most devoted couple I have ever witnessed.  They have been together for 63 years and couldn't be happier.  They are willing themselves to continue their lives, even though they have out lived most of their friends. During their marriage they worked together for 35 years. They were together all the time.  Since my grandmother never drove, he drove her everywhere, and still does.  He's 88. They don't get bored of each other.  They never argue because they compromise.  
Observing them tells me what to look for in a partner.  This doesn't have to be rocket science.  But I should look for someone that I want to be friends with in 60 years.  

Zoloft vs. Olive Oil: Food for thought

How to cure depression!

Given how much olive oil I've digested over the years, it makes me think... how much more I would have suffered without it?

Best Intentions

In the past, I have found myself in the precarious position of being on the other end of disagreements.  In most situations I probably said something, or did something the other party found frustrating/inappropriate/rude/mean-spirited, etc.  The worst part is that 99% of the time, I didn't mean to upset the other person.  I just wasn't thinking.  After I apologize sincerely, I try to re-apologize and run off with my tail between my legs.  If that doesn't work and the other party is still upset, I try to point out that I had the best of intentions.  They were just mis-placed.  Or ill-conceived.

I recently found myself mediating an argument between two people I love very much.  They love each other.  But they both couldn't take a step beyond their position to look at the situation from the other person's shoes.  They both had very good intentions, but wouldn't make an effort to trust what they already knew.  Since they loved each other, they would never try to hurt each other on purpose.

If I've ever accidently /purposefully upset you, I'm sorry.  I promise I (probably) had the best of intentions :-)

Losing my temper

1. Am I at fault? I hate to be criticized or to be in the wrong. Often, I’m angriest when someone is chiding me about something that I am, indeed, guilty of. When I’m about to hit back, I remind myself to accept criticism politely, if grudgingly.

2. Will this solve anything? I often snap when I feel like I’m confronting the same annoyance over and over. Fact is, people often have irritating habits that aren’t going to change. Failure to meet deadlines, failure to return phone calls, untidiness, etc., etc. I try to remember that snapping isn’t going to make any difference, but will only make me feel bad.

3. Am I improving the situation? This is particularly important with my younger daughter. If I lose my temper with her, the problem just escalates to a whole new horrible level. She dissolves into tears and wails, “You talked to me in a mean voice!” It’s far more effective to stay calm. Also, nicer.

4. Should I be helping you? Often, I lose my temper because I’m actually feeling guilty about my own unhelpfulness. My guilt makes me crabby, but it’s really a sign that I should be taking action.

5. Am I uncomfortable? Discomfort shortens my fuse. I’ve become much more careful to dress warmly (even when people make fun of my long underwear and double sweaters), to snack more often, to turn off the light when I’m sleepy, and to take pain medication as soon as I get a headache. The Duke of Wellington advised, “Always make water when you can,” and I follow that precept, too.

6. Can I make a joke of this? Using humor is extraordinarily effective, but I usually can’t find the inner depths to laugh at an annoying situation. A distant goal for which I’m striving.

It’s tempting to dwell on questions like, “Whose fault is it?” or “Why am I upset?” but in the end, these tend to stoke my temper instead of soothe it. I try to remind myself that no behavior is annoying if I don’t find it annoying. A hackneyed observation, but true.

-From Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project 

Want what you have

Happiness comes not from having more, not from having less, but from wanting what you have- Gretchen Rubin
One of the overwhelming things about the world we live in is the amount of options we have.  I feel that we would be happier if we only have two options, for everything.  What should I wear?  This or that?  Easy.  But, for example, if I have several closets full of clothes, and drawers... the options are limitless.  It can be overwhelming.  
But having less options, isn't likely given the world we live in.  So I try to simply be at peace with what I have, and move on.  Don't over think it.  

Admit when you're wrong

This may not seem revolutionary to you, but it was to me.  I used to be a lot more indignant.  I would reject the notion that I should admit when I was wrong.  I simply didn't want to admit it.  I didn't want to give in.  It was childish and foolish.  But when I did, I felt like I started to set myself free.  Who was I kidding?  No one.  I'm not  perfect and am bound to make mistakes.  Stubbornly holding fast to my principal of always being right left me feeling powerless, not powerful.

Try admitting you are wrong- it can actually be quite productive when you are in the middle of a disagreement.

Say yes

I used to try to do everything myself, on my own.  I thought it made me brave and invincible.  I thought I could do anything, and I should.  When people would ask me if I needed help, I would immediately say no (with emphasis).  I was stubborn and thought it made me weak to let people in, and share my burden.  I was wrong.

I really enjoy helping people.  It makes me happy.  And I started to realize that when people offer to lend a hand, I should say "yes" back. Why not?  

*Note: that doesn't mean I'll take advantage of folks and never be resourceful on my own.  We still have to take care of our own lives for the most part.    

bad words

How much do you curse?  I do a fair amount of it.  It's almost like a disease with a trickle down effect.  Once you hear someone do it, you catch yourself feeling the permission to do the same.

And it's not just curse words that will do you in.  It's negativity and gossip.  When you roll all of that into a conversation, do you leave feeling better or more at peace?  Probably not.

I went on a swearing and positivity diet last year for about a month, during Lent.  It was hard at first, but it started to make me feel physically more content.  I was less prone to outbursts, gossip, negativity. I challenge you to try it for one day and see what happens.

Its not where you are but who you're with that really matters

World's Happiest Countries

So some of this isn't really our fault, is it?  Perhaps if we just moved to Brunei, or Denmark we'd be happier. Then again, I'm going to work toward being happy with where I am, and who I'm with that makes my life better since I'm not moving any time soon.  

This or That

Consider this list...do you ever find yourself thinking in these terms?

I can either be positive, or I can be authentic
I should decide whether I want a life that’s interesting, or a life that’s happy
I can have a few close friends or lots of superficial friends
I can choose a job I enjoy, or I can make good money
I have to decide to marry this person now, or accept the fact that I’ll never have a family
I must worry about the happiness of other people, or about my own happiness
I can have a life full of fun, passion, and adventure, and I can have security

Maybe these are your only two choices -- but maybe not.

I often struggle with the first one; I try to find ways to be authentically enthusiastic, and sincerely positive. Usually it's not as hard as I expect.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Happiness is a goal and a by-product.

-Gretchen Rubin-Happiness Project

Whoever is happy

Anne Frank said, "Whoever is happy will make other's happy too."  I think that is why it feels so good to be around people that personify a happy person.  They don't even have to be blissfully happy- exuding smiles.  But I think there is a radiance that emanates from people that are content inside.  When I spend time with people like that, it makes me feel a sense of calmness as well.

Black Like Me

When I was in high school, I was fortunate enough to read a book that changed my life.  And when I say, "read" that is probably one of the biggest feats. I was the queen of half-assing it.  I would locate any and all "Cliff's Notes" in order to avoid having to really read and analyze the classics.  This rare book, "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin wasn't popular enough to have any Cliff Notes around.  
"In print for almost fifty years, Black Like Me is an important document of the Civil Rights era. It tells how Griffin, using medication that darkened his skin, disguised himself as a black man and traveled through the deep South, experiencing firsthand the injustice and indignities that were part of everyday life for African Americans. After the book was published, Griffin received death threats and was hanged in effigy on the main street of his Texas home town. But he also gained international respect and a platform as a human rights activist."
I felt personally connected to the civil rights movement in a way I never could have prior to reading this book. It moved me.  It made me want to take action.  Griffin was an amazing man and his story seems fictional.  
Before his death, Griffin wrote that his one source of regret was "all the time I spent foolishly when I could have done something for someone else."  Given how much he contributed to the Civil Rights movement, I find it amazing he still yearned to give more.  
Read the book, and when you get the chance, watch the upcoming documentary about his life, "Uncommon Vision: The life and times of John Howard Griffin."

Hobbies

"To be really happy and really safe, one ought to have at least two or three hobbies, and they must all be real."
— Winston Churchill



When we were kids we played sports, did crafts, had spend the nights at friends houses- we were pretty busy.  And now we have work, and work, maybe the gym, kids, significant others.  But none of those things are really for us, are they?  Sure they bring some happiness to our life, but its not the same as a selfish joyful distraction.  


Read a book, knit a scarf, cook for fun, take some pictures, take a class- do something just for you!

Sometimes I think we were happier when we were 5

 “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once" Alexander Smith


The quote above is a bit negative, but there is some truth to it.  I've read it's  hard to appreciate the good without having something bad to compare it against.  And perhaps the same could be said for happiness, the void of happiness at some point allows you to recognize it when it comes back around.  


But the truth is, when I think about how easy life was when I was 5, I think that might have been the happiest I'll ever be in my life.  Don't get me wrong, I'm quite satisfied with the life I have today.  But there was something simply  indulgent about life at 5:  Naps, snacks, play dates, no work or challenges.  Maybe that's why a lot of us want kids.  Then, we can get back a piece of what we left behind.  

When no one is looking

What are you doing when no one is looking?  Do you have a resting "bitch face"?  You know, when your not smiling or talking, what does your face look like?  Confused? Mean? Engaging? I think it matters, and speaks to your underlying temperament.

Do you return your cart after you leave the grocery store?  Do you hold a door open for the next person?  Do you wave when someone lets you in while you are driving? Do you smile at the person who checks you out at the store?

I pose this challenge to you:  do a good deed when no one is looking.  See what happens.

I have a quick personal story to give you an idea of why I think this is important.  I was at my local Harris Teeter, and came upon some item on the ground which had fallen from a display. Someone left it there.  I picked it up, and put it back in place and started to walk to the next aisle.  Seconds later, a man ran up to me.  He worked at the store and had kind eyes and an engaging smile.  He told me how much it meant to him that I went out of my way to help him out when so many other people walked by and didn't make the effort.  It was literally no problem at all, and meant almost nothing to me.  But it meant a lot to him.

Lightness

“It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” -- G. K. Chesterton


I've been thinking about "light" since this past weekend.  The contrast with dark.  I was in Bible study (yes, I go to a Bible study), and we were talking about the Sun as an analogy for  God. I won't go into details here, because I'm not going to inundate you with my personal religious beliefs.  We were discussing other religions and their take on this similar topic.   The Yin and Yang.  Good and Evil.    


The analogy got me thinking about light and happiness.  And darkness and sadness.  In the past, its been so comfortable for me  to stay in the darkness- it can simply suck you in.  The light is bright and intimidating at times.  But once you move closer, its warm and engaging.  It get's easier.   

Be good

Be good, but try to let no one know it- Tolstoy


I found this quote in the text of some of Tolstoy's personal "Rules of Life".  He wrote them when he was 18 years old.  There are quite a few others, but it got me thinking.   I assume he didn't mean that you shouldn't let anyone see your good side.  I believe he meant that one shouldn't be a braggart when it comes to how "good" they are.  Perhaps he meant that he aspired to carry himself with  humility.  


Do you have your own "Rules of Life"?  

Negative Nancy/Debbie Downer

Sometimes I catch myself not being the best version of myself.  I say something that really doesn't contribute toward a more positive outcome.  And it disappoints me.  My friends will still love me anyway, but it's certainly annoying when I hear those words come out of my mouth.  When they try to help me out, and I shoot down every one of their ideas- no good.  Listen! Listen before you immediately dismiss their assistance.