Saying I'm sorry never gets old

I love me some feel-good stories.  They make my frowns turn upside down.  Check this out and there is some more via the link too:

1. This picture of Chicago Christians who showed up at a gay pride parade to apologize for homophobia in the Church.

(Michelle Gantner / Maladjusted Media) 

… and the reaction from the parade.

Friends Checking In

"KG.  how are you doing? I don't wanted to hear you being sad, it makes me sad.   You are the ray of sunshine for people. Well, obviously, it's OK to feel sad if you need to feel sad.  But I don't want you to feel sad."

This is a paraphrased VM left by a good friend a few days ago.  After I let my friends know (and anyone that reads my blog) that things have been challenging for me, they have been reaching out to support me.  I've had visitors, calls, texts, and emails.  I feel loved.  I love them.

I use this blog as a tool to sort through my feelings.  Most of the time, I have upbeat positive messages to relay to myself.  I do it as a reminder, so when the rough times come, I have something to toggle back to.  I didn't mean to be melodramatic last week.  Sometimes, I need to know that I am loved.  I need to hear it.  I hear you!  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

PMS - the myth, the reality

Guess what?  I can be a raging... not nice person a few days EVERY month.  I'm serious.  I know it's hard to believe, but if you cross me, on those few days, you are asking for trouble.

Men don't get it.  And how could they?  They don't understand that our bodies turn against us.  We can't control our mood, our body temperature, our need for chocolate (or whatever your go-to pms food is) our anger, our overall annoyances at those we love the most.  PMS is not for the faint of heart. 

So, why did some man elect to get involved in a discussion about feminine hygiene products?  Idiot.  He should have known this would lead to disaster. 

Check out the response below.  Those Brits sure know how to do sarcasm and wit better than most. Good for you, Maxipad Company.  Excellent work!

 

no mirrors - no appearances

I read this blog post about a woman who went on a mirror diet.  She just didn't look in a mirror for a long long long time.  A month.

Doesn't that kind of sound like a vacation from yourself, including your insecurities and fears?

Check it out here:

What she found:
"What I didn’t realize until I was unburdened from some of my self-imposed (and likely invented) expectations was exactly how much of my energy was going into appearing. Appearing to be interested, appearing to be womanly, appearing to be a professional lady, appearing to be pretty. No wonder I'm exhausted." 

Love Your Neighbor (Greek Style)

The Bible says to "love your neighbor."  Get it?  It isn't easy, and no one ever said it was. But we have to try. 
"The Greek language u
ses three words for love. It talks about eros. Eros is a sort of aesthetic love. It has come to us to be a sort of romantic love and it stands with all of its beauty. But when we speak of loving those who oppose us we’re not talking about eros. 

The Greek language talks about philia and this is a sort of reciprocal love between personal friends. This is a vital, valuable love. But when we talk of loving those who oppose you and those who seek to defeat you we are not talking about eros or philia. 

The Greek language comes out with another word and it is agape. Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive good will for all men. Biblical theologians would say it is the love of God working in the minds of men. It is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. And when you come to love on this level you begin to love men not because they are likeable, not because they do things that attract us, but because God loves them and here we love the person who does the evil deed while hating the deed that the person does. It is the type of love that stands at the center of the movement that we are trying to carry on in the Southland—agape."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

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For further reading, there are at least five words for love in Greek.  It's a far more descriptive language than English. 

* Eros (ἔρως érōs) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love". However, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition. Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction". Plato also said eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. The most famous ancient work on the subject of eros is Plato's Symposium, which is a discussion among the students of Socrates on the nature of eros. 

* Philia (φιλία philía), means friendship in modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philia denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers. This is the only other word for "love" used in the ancient text of the New Testament besides agape, but even then it is used substantially less frequently. 

* Agapē (ἀγάπη agápē) means "love" in modern day Greek. The term s'agapo means "I love you" in Greek. The word "agapo" is the verb "I love". In Ancient Greek it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros"; agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. The verb appears in the New Testament describing, amongst other things, the relationship between Jesus and the beloved disciple. In biblical literature, its meaning and usage is illustrated by self-sacrificing, giving love to all--both friend and enemy. It is used in Matthew 22:39, "Love your neighbour as yourself," and in John 15:12, "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you," and in 1 John 4:8, "God is love." However, the word "agape" is not always used in the New Testament in a positive sense. II Timothy 4:10 uses the word in a negative sense. The Apostle Paul writes,"For Demas hath forsaken me, having loved (agapo) this present world...." Thus the word "agape" is not always used of a divine love or the love of God. Christian commentators have expanded the original Greek definition to encompass a total commitment or self-sacrificial love for the thing loved. Because of its frequency of use in the New Testament, Christian writers have developed a significant amount of theology based solely on the interpretation of this word. 

* Storge (στοργή storgē) means "affection" in modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. 

* Thelema (θέλημα thélēma) means "desire" in modern Greek; it is the desire to do something, to be occupied, to be in prominence.

Lending a hand

I like helping other people.  I really do.  It makes me happy to help people, especially those I care for. Perhaps I enjoy the response I get from people when I do them a favor, and in that way, it is far more of a selfish act, than a truly selfless one.

Nonetheless, I had a fulfilling day helping a good friend out.  She had what was an overwhelming task at hand.  We tackled her organization project together and an hour or so later, we were done.  Bedrooms organized. Ready for guests.  She was thrilled and appreciated the help.

After, I wondered how much I knew I would get out of the project from the appreciation I would receive from the recipient? Did I do it because I knew that I would get accolades out of it?  How genuine was the favor?  If I'm being honest, I think that I hoped (deep down) that my friend would be happy, I would make her life easier, and even deeper down, that she would love me for it.

She loves me anyway.  I didn't have to do anything but I did it anyway, because I love her.

There you have it.  I did the favor anyway, not just for self-gratification.  I think that is the most important and primary take away.

Screw it all.  I'm going to help out people whenever and however I want.

Maturity through Tribulation

I think this is real, but I'm not entirely sure.  If it is, it is amazing.  Watch.  Learn.  See.  This boy sees things with clarity that I can barely keep up with, and I was a history/poliSci focus in undergrad.

Where's the home team?

My best girls are the friends I've known the longest and who know me the best.  When I told them I was moving a year ago, they were angry and hurt.  They tried to show how happy they were that I was finally figuring out how to be in the same place as N, but I knew that, selfishly, they were pissed.  They didn't want me to go.

And thank God for that!  I mean, who wants their friends to say "peace out! later! good riddance!" ?  No one.

Now that I have moved and am married, I am adjusting to my new town.  I am getting situated in a new place with new roads, and new stores and new doctors and new routines.  I don't have new friends.  Not yet.

I miss my old ones.  All the time.  Every day.  Multiple times a day.  I always will.

I'm experiencing a lot of change in a relatively short period of time between adjustments at work, moving and marriage.  I wish they were here.  I wish I could show them things in person and have them close enough to hug me - just because.

They are busy with their own lives.  They are pregnant, and getting married and studying for huge tests.

I miss them.  But I don't want to guilt trip them into making more of an effort for me.  They already put me first for a long time with all my wedding hoo-ha.  I'm feeling needy for now.

Patience.  I need more patience and time.

Failure with a capital "F"

I failed. I did.  I really messed up.   Exact email from my boss yesterday:

"Is it “we” or is it “I” messed up???

I’m VERY disappointed that you didn't get this done on time. "

What's worse?  I work for my dad.  He's not my direct boss, but he's the big boss.  I was working on something with a few other people, but I really needed (and did) to take ownership of the failure.  The repercussions for this error is that we aren't able to bid a job that we had a good chance of winning.  Worse, the amount of effort that the team put forth on this bid is a financial waste.

I could have come up with more legitimate excuses, but none of them matter.  Plus, I'm the superior in this situation, so blaming those that work for me, is akin to throwing them under the bus.  I won't do that.

I feel awful and am going through the process of examining what went wrong.

I'm working remotely now, and rushed home a day early to see my husband, when I should have stayed in the city to make sure the project was done correctly.  I'm feeling terribly conflicted no matter which way I go with any decision I make these days, and the above, is a direct example of how I feel like I'm failing all around.

More work to do.  More patience needed.  Onward.  Upward.

Why wait?

"God does not require that you fix yourself and then come to Him.The exact opposite is true. Come now, come quickly, and come broken and horrifyingly messy. Please, just come."

I wish I had thought about the meaning and intention of the above when I was struggling in my Dark Years.  In my 20's, I was angry, and hurt, and scared and bitter.  I just wasn't ready to face God.  I knew he was there.  I knew he would wait.  But I put off years of peace because I was stubborn.

The only good thing about those years of struggle is that it brought me to where I am today.  That struggle brought me back to Church, back to God, and ultimately, to N.  Without all of that, I never would have been open to letting N into my life.  

It reminds me of the statement  "why put off tomorrow what you could do today"?  I think the answer is almost always- fear.  

The quote from the far top comes from this amazing woman whose life story I was reading about here.  The best thing about her struggles, is that she too, was led to a far better place.  Look what she's doing now.

Feeling Older isn't so bad

I feel this back and forth tug between feeling old, and feeling like I just seem to have more of life experiences under my belt.  Getting older doesn't have to mean that there won't be any more fun.  It also doesn't mean that nothing exciting will happen.  Things may be taking off....

I tried to tell Husband about my theories on having fun as we get older.  He has the mistaken impression that marriage and kids (eventually) mean that he won't be having much fun any more.  I was shocked and horrified.  I wouldn't be getting into this arrangement if I thought I was never having fun again.  There is so much more fun left to be had.  In fact, I feel like I'm just getting warmed up.

By the way, this list of folks who started to build their 30's left me feeling inspired.  Check it out:

It's tough to be a Woman

I'm impressed that a man could take an experience that many would consider close to a kid's game of "dress up" and come away with the understanding that a woman's looks affect the way the world looks at us.

He gets it.  His experience of dressing as a woman changed his life experience in a dramatic way.

Don't judge her.

This girl keeps it real.  There are a lot of people that judge this woman for being less than perfect.  I think she's better for admitting that she's not.

I appreciate her for it.  I read her blog.  And I will read her book.

Source: youtube.com via Momastery on Pinterest

If we were a lot more honest with ourselves, I think our lives would be better.

Why Marriage?

According to the Christian Orthodox faith, the goal of marriage is spiritual perfection of the spouse - not to be "happy."  Marriage is to serve another.  Marriage is the icon of Christ and His church, whereby Christ served the Church, and the Church serves Christ.

The question I have is, why on earth would anyone want to give of themselves to make someone else happy.  Haven't we heard our whole lives that we need to make ourselves happy first, before we can make another person happy?

I think that its both.  I think I'm better at giving more, because I know how to nourish myself, and I know what I need to feel nourished from my my husband. Although my husband was raised in the same church as I was, he isn't familiar with the specific lessons the church offers us as guidance for a successful partnership.  I never want to push my beliefs of anyone else, but I do gently mention some of the things I have learned.

I'm convinced, after reading the teachings of St. John Chrysostom,  that I wouldn't be able to have a successful marriage long term, if I didn't have faith that God will help us through the tough times, which are bound to present themselves.

I've read up on how the Early Christian church viewed marriage, and use that as a guide for our marriage.  St. John Chrysostom, Of Marriage and Family Life is a great place to start.

Saying FOREVER means FOREVER

I'd be lying if I said I was happy that afternoon.  In fact, I was frustrated at N.  I was worried that he would disappoint me in the future.  I was worried that I wouldn't get over my anger.  I was mad that he didn't apologize for something pretty big. I can tell in the pictures from earlier in the day.  KG was not a happy camper.                                  Minutes before we were set to head down the aisle, one of my besties got tears in her eyes and said, "Girl, you can't walk down the aisle like this.  You need to talk to him and clear the air."  Wise advice.  I took it.  We talked and things felt better.  My other bestie suggested I focus on the Holy Mother (aka Virgin Mary), as her icon is what we faced during the wedding service.   

In the Christian Orthodox church, you don't actually say the words, "I do."  Basically, you stand there, follow the priests instructions, and for the most part, take part in a ceremony that hasn't changed all that much for 1500 years.  In some cases, parts of the service are based off of the Jewish tradition (note:  early Christians were Jews, after all).  

All of that said, not having to actually say anything was a relief.  I'm not sure if I could choke the words out. I was nervous.  I hate being the center of attention. I'm innately a shy person, despite the fact that I have grown confident of myself as an adult to work beyond those challenges.

See pics included.  Picture one captures me looking up at the icon, praying for her intercessions, that I be granted patience and serenity. I look scared.  Picture two shows my face about 15 minutes later.... happy as a clam.  I had great advice from great friends who had my back the whole time.  Prayer pulled me through the finish line, and I'm happy to say that I'm now, officially, KGK.

I should also note that my anxiety was never about marrying N outright.  It wasn't about whether or not he was the right person.  It was about having to deal with confronting him knowing that he would be confused, sad, and frustrated.  I hate having to confront him knowing that the outcome means he'll be disappointed in himself.  Sometimes, you have to let things get dirty before you clean them up.  And that is what happened.