Saying FOREVER means FOREVER

I'd be lying if I said I was happy that afternoon.  In fact, I was frustrated at N.  I was worried that he would disappoint me in the future.  I was worried that I wouldn't get over my anger.  I was mad that he didn't apologize for something pretty big. I can tell in the pictures from earlier in the day.  KG was not a happy camper.                                  Minutes before we were set to head down the aisle, one of my besties got tears in her eyes and said, "Girl, you can't walk down the aisle like this.  You need to talk to him and clear the air."  Wise advice.  I took it.  We talked and things felt better.  My other bestie suggested I focus on the Holy Mother (aka Virgin Mary), as her icon is what we faced during the wedding service.   

In the Christian Orthodox church, you don't actually say the words, "I do."  Basically, you stand there, follow the priests instructions, and for the most part, take part in a ceremony that hasn't changed all that much for 1500 years.  In some cases, parts of the service are based off of the Jewish tradition (note:  early Christians were Jews, after all).  

All of that said, not having to actually say anything was a relief.  I'm not sure if I could choke the words out. I was nervous.  I hate being the center of attention. I'm innately a shy person, despite the fact that I have grown confident of myself as an adult to work beyond those challenges.

See pics included.  Picture one captures me looking up at the icon, praying for her intercessions, that I be granted patience and serenity. I look scared.  Picture two shows my face about 15 minutes later.... happy as a clam.  I had great advice from great friends who had my back the whole time.  Prayer pulled me through the finish line, and I'm happy to say that I'm now, officially, KGK.

I should also note that my anxiety was never about marrying N outright.  It wasn't about whether or not he was the right person.  It was about having to deal with confronting him knowing that he would be confused, sad, and frustrated.  I hate having to confront him knowing that the outcome means he'll be disappointed in himself.  Sometimes, you have to let things get dirty before you clean them up.  And that is what happened.