Spoiled Kids - are our kids really spoiled?

If I'm out in public and I hear screaming kids, I try not to judge.  I have six (6!) nieces and nephews and friends with babies, so I understand how hard it can be.  Plus, the babies (and even the teenagers) are just so damn cute! I love them all equally but differently.

Then, I read this article.  I couldn't help but wonder how different children are based on the society they live in.  I know I was raised a bit different than some of my friends.  Part of that was because my mother and father were raised in fairly conservative families of the 50's.  They were strict with us, although my father maintains that we were considerably more spoiled than he was as a child.

While I read the article I thought of several friends who have criticized some parents they have witnessed who "use" their kids to do their errands, chores, etc.  Is that wrong?  I don't think it is depending on how severe the work that is required.  Then again, some of the tribes in the article don't seem to think using weapons or playing with fire at the age of three is too much.  It's fair to say that some parents in our society are far too hard on their kids- do you recall all the talk about the Tiger moms?

What's the answer?  I have no idea.  The best answer is typically- balance.  I'm not a mom yet, so I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that you can't go too easy on them, and you can't be too hard on them.

Next question- how do you find the balance?

Different Heart of Darkness

"There is a darkness that we are all led into by our own stupidity, by our own selfishness, blindness, or by just living out of the false self. And there is a darkness that I believe God leads us through for our own enlightenment. In both cases, we have to walk through these dark periods by brutal honesty, confessions, surrenders, letting go, forgiveness, and often by some necessary restitution, apology or healing ritual. I still hear of Vietnam vets who feel they must go back to Vietnam and help some Vietnamese children to be healed.

Different vocabularies would have called these things acts of repentance, penance, mortification, dying to self, “making amends”, or even ego stripping. By any account it is major surgery and surely feels like dying (although it also feels like immense liberation). We need help and comfort during these times. We must each learn for ourselves how to be led by God and also by others. But how can we know the light, or deeply desire it, if we’ve never walked through the darkness?"

~From Richard Rohr, Hope Against Darkness:  The Transforming Vision of Saint Francis in an Age of Anxiety

I know many of you think that God doesn't exist, or you think God is punishing you by letting bad things happen to you.  I used to think that. I'm sure I was wrong, and think you are too.  God never promised our lives would be easy.  In fact, he assures us that if we believe in Him, there will assuredly be tough times ahead.  However, he promises to always be at our side to help us through those challenging roads.   

Stay in the Game

Work has been hard for me lately.  I feel like I shouldn't complain because I have a job (at least), whereas many others in this tough economy do not. For me, almost every day is a struggle.  Most of the time, I feel as though my efforts are fruitless.  That no matter what I do, or how I do it, I don't make a difference.

All I want to do is run down to where N lives and be with him.  Then at least we wouldn't have the challenge of our long distance relationship.   The problem is, I'm not a quitter.  I never have been.  I don't know how to give up.  I may elect not to go the same course.  But if I want something or I need it, I will get it.  It's not that I don't know defeat, but I seem to digest it through the mindset of a short term reality- it's situational.  Long term, I always know I'll come out on top.

Yesterday, I complained to N about how hard it is to go to work every day.  He told me, he understood and was very supportive.  He told me to get back in there.  I need to do my best because that is what needs to be done.

After the supportive advice I got from N, I just so happened to come upon this example of someone electing to stay in the game.  She did so by re-examining what success meant to her.  Sometimes, your definition of success, failure and even quitting can end up meaning something altogether different.

Meaning in Life

I remember reading Man’s Search for Meaning by the famous psychiatrist Viktor Frankl. During his time in a Nazi concentration camp, observing both himself and those around him, he wrote “I saw in myself and in others that the basic need for a human being is not pleasure, as Freud thought, or power, as Adler thought, but it is the need to have a reason to live and a reason to die.” And only faith can give these two reasons. Only a life in Christ can give us a reason to live, and can give us a reason to die. If we have both these reasons, our life will be full. And if our life is full, regardless of any difficulties we face, we will have joy. Metropolitan John of Korca


Other people may have other reasons to live, and that's ok for them. But you have to have something.  If you don't have anything, there is no point.  No reason for motivation to push you through from one day to the next. You'll be stagnant. You'll never change or grow. In my opinion, a life with out growth, is no life at all.  

Stuck? Want to accomplish your life list?

As you all know, I have a life list I've been adding to, and working on since I was a little kid.

My most recent challenge has been that I've been so focused on one of my items on the list (falling in love) that I haven't accomplished anything else in the past few months.  I haven't really been actively working on anything.  So, what's going on with me?  I'm dedicated to my relationship, the love of my life, and trying to figure out how our future will shake out (where we'll live, our wedding, our honeymoon, our engagement party, when we'll have kids, where I'm going to work, where he'll work, working on projects- in no particular order).

All of those items are important to me, but when I think about it, none of those things are necessarily something that I can cross off my list at this very moment.  They all take time. More time than I would like.  I often just want to hurry through a challenge to get on the other side.  It's like pulling off a band-aid.

I've updated my list to show you things that I am active/passively working on.  Maybe this will keep me somewhat accountable.  Plus, psychologically, I'll feel a bit better about my lack of progress.  Crossing something off the list just feels SO good!

As an aside, I just saw this article which is what jogged me to think about my own life list.  These guys are crossing through their life list in a significant way.  For every thing they accomplish off of their list, they will help someone else with one of their own achievements.

Solution to a bad work day

If you are having a rough (ruff) day at work, I have a solution.  Watch this immediately.  I'm serious. Just click here: 

Some more info that you may need to keep you abreast of what is going on.  Dumpling is my favorite.  He's a fattie that just.won't.quit. being cute.

Here are your “Dream Team” pups:

Boys
Daiichi - Blue collar
Meaning – First (as in first boy)

Dango - Green collar
Meaning – Dumpling

Girls

Dosha - Pink collar
Meaning – Earth & Sand

Daisuki - Purple collar
Meaning – Lovable

Dakota - No collar
Cream girl

Guts and Glory

I'm contemplating a huge life decision.  I'm trying to be patient and work through all the different facets that are involved.  I don't want to be impulsive and rush the outcome because I fear that it will lead to a mistake.  It's hard.

I was going over my thought process with my dad, and he said, "Just do it!  No guts, no glory!".

I love my dad.  His support and encouragement mean more to me than he'll know.  He thinks I say nice things about him to blow smoke up his rear, but I guarantee they are true.  Plus, I've always felt that if he thinks I can do something, than there is no way I'll fail.

It takes a Village

My best friend J turned me onto this story which I hadn't paid attention to when it was plastered across the media a few weeks ago. I can't help but be moved by this feel good story about courage that just won't quit.
It's the (true) story about a girl who is homeless, worked as a janitor at her high school, and managed to get a full ride to Harvard by graduating with a 4.0 GPA.

Her accomplishments are amazing.  What a fighter!  But the other outstanding take away from this story is how powerful a community can be if it works together.  Dawn's community made sure she didn't become a ward of the state so that she could continue to live her life and graduate from her high school.  They made sure she ate and have a place to stay.  They are her family.

It makes me wonder what each of us can accomplish if we step up and offer a hand to someone who needs it.

Afraid of ...death?

I know a lot of people that are afraid of a lot of different things.  They are afraid of death.  They are afraid of how they are going to die.  They are afraid of the unknown.

But if you look at the facts from NSC, the reality is that what most of us will die from is either 1) Heart Disease, 2) Cancer or 3) Stroke.

Check it out:

Does it make you feel better?

Gross Misjustice

The Jerry Sandusky trial is a soap opera.  It's awful to think about a man who used his authority and influence to manipulate kids.  Every time I hear about this story, I feel sick, and I change the news station.  I can't bear to look at him.

During the deliberations of his trial, I've kept a half ear open to see if a decision has been made.  Then, I read that Sandusky allegedly abused his adopted son as well.  When will this stop?

I ask you this, didn't anyone see something?  I'm sure there were signs.  They didn't say anything.  Those people are complicit.  It is our job as adults in our communities to stand up when we see something that doesn't seem right.  If you see something, say something.

Women who Work

N and I speak about having kids one day.  We also speak about our finances and if I will work when we have kids.  We know we'll make it all work but there is a lot to consider given how much we'll need to balance.  As a woman, I feel like there is no easy answer and I know I'm not alone.

Feminism points to the equality between men and women, or lack thereof.  Women broke through the glass ceiling.  But it's not clear where that leaves us.

Successful women are coming out of the closet, so to speak, to admit that they want to come home from work early to be their for their children (gasp!).  Other women think this is a slap in the face of what the feminist movement has worked so hard to achieve.  There is no easy way to have work-life balance.  Either you hire round the clock nannies, or you take a hit to your career.

Princeton Professor Anne-Marie Slaughter just published this article she contemplated for years because she knew how unpopular some of her opinions would be.  In it, she speaks about how she was glad to leave her influential job so she could have more time with her children. Thank you for saying what I know to be true, Anne-Marie!

As an employer I have my perspective about women in the workplace.  The reason employers are fearful of permitting their employees flex time is because they are concerned that their staff won't get done what is needed.  If given the shot, employees have to live up to the expectations set forth in their job descriptions. The  problem is that some people take advantage of the situation, and ruin it for the rest of us.

Men (mostly) assume that women who work from home will be too preoccupied by babies and errands to actually focus on the task at hand.  It's a fair point.  There are a lot of distractions at home.  But I also know that an if an employee is happy their work product has the possibility of being far better than if they are distracted by their home life.

In short- give women a break.

I'll

What gets measured ....

"What gets measured, gets done" -quote that can't be attributed to anyone, but that my dad says often enough.  

What does this mean?  I've contemplated it a lot over the years.  Sometimes if you hear an expression one too many times the full meaning is lost upon habit.  Progress is hard to measure if you don't look to see how far you've come and then to see how far you have left to go.

How fast are you going?  Are you getting anything done anyway?   Then again, sometimes, how much or how little just doesn't mean a damn thing.  I've learned it's important to think about productivity through the lens of temperance.

When is enough, enough?

"Enough is abundance to the wise." — Euripides 

It's hard to determine when enough is truly enough.  I'm always trying to keep my words measured.  I try to not say too much when my temper starts flaring up.  Then again, if I don't say enough then my feelings won't get out when I need them to.  

We're supposed to eat enough (not too much or little), work out (but not too much or little), sleep (but not too little).  Most of the time its hard to be the arbiter of balance.  But it's worth the struggle to get there.  

Buy Local

Why not?

Should I tell her?

I never know what to do if someone has food stuck in their teeth, or something coming out of their nose, or ear.  Worse, what if something that is stuck to them like toilet paper, or food....the list is endless.

What about if you walk by someone who has a part of their skirt stuck into the back of their underwear?  Yes. That one was me.  And it's not the first time.  There was a horrific incident in church about 20 years ago that I'd rather forget ever happen.

Anyway, I was walking into my office and this man shouted at me from across the street from his pickup truck.  My first thought was to ignore him.  My second thought was that he was trying to holla at me, but I turned around anyway.  The stranger gave me the heads up about my malfunctioning skirt situation.  It was awkward.  But I have to say, "thank you, kind sir!"

I may not have told me if the shoe was reversed.  What would have you done? At the end of the day, wouldn't you rather know than not know?  Help out a stranger if they need the hand.  Better than them running through downtown DC with a skirt stuck into their underwear.

When enough is enough

Some people are committed to forever.  And sometimes, forever is impossible for others.  Take this couple, for instance.  It appears as though 115 years was enough.  Check this out.  

Be Kind

"Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Philo of Alexandria


I've learned to try not to assume the worst in people, assume the best! Also, believe that it is possible for other people in your life to have good intentions. They may not mean to say that awful thing they said, or the comment that came off as incredibly rude. 

If they apologize, let them apologize.  Believe that they are sorry because it's not easy to say those words.  Plus, they are probably feeling guilty and awful about whatever harm it was they caused.  

Try to move on.  

Something other than fun

"Man needs, for his happiness, not only the enjoyment of this or that, but hope and enterprise and change."
— Bertrand Russell

Father's Day and my Dad

I call my dad "Pops" when we aren't at work.  When we are at work, I call him by his first name.  Sometimes when we aren't at work I call him by his first name just to mess with him.  He'll get annoyed and then we'll both laugh.    

Yesterday I was at the bank down the street from my office chatting with the teller.  I see her once every few weeks while I make a deposit for work.  Right before I was getting ready to leave she asked if I had a dad I worked with.  I told her I did, and she would know him if he came in singing "Aaaaaaaamen! Aaaamen, Amen, Amen."  This is the diddy he sings so often, it doesn't even annoy me any more. He also does this little white man's overbite jig while shaking his fists in the air (I showed her an example).  She immediately said, "Yes! Yes! Yes! That is him! He's the best- every time he comes in he makes us all smile and laugh. You are so lucky!"

I am.  I know that and am thankful for it.  I couldn't be prouder than to hear a stranger acknowledge how great my dad is.  

I think I know why he is so great.  He never gives up.  He's the most determined person I know.  Even though he has cancer for a second time and work has been awful, he keeps pushing through.  A guy that works for us says that my dad could be in a pitch dark room, but Pops will find the one tiny speckle of light and run toward it.  He's probably the most optimistic person I know.  

Today he came to my office to catch up for less than two minutes.  

We chatted,

Then he said, "alright- I gotta go"

As he got up, he paused, stared off for a min...took a deep breath,

gave a fist shake into the air...and nodded at the distance.

I was like..."Pops, what was that all about??"

He said, "I was just getting myself ready for the next challenge" and walked off like it was nothing.  

*he literally (fist)pumped himself up

That is why my dad is uniquely awesome.  

Learning to Ride a Bike

The other day I was walking into see my niece's dance recital at a local school.  As I walked in, I saw a mother teaching her young son how to ride a bike.  I walked by them, and I watched from a distance as the mother gave the boy encouragement.  She jogged next to him as he peddled down the path.  I could hear her joy from more than 100 feet away.  I could even feel it.  The little boy peddled on his own and the mother was with him the whole way.  It was an amazing thing to experience, even though I was an outsider.  I immediately smiled to no one other than myself.

It's the little things that keep me smiling.

I'm going to spare you the pain of figuring this out for yourself

Here is something amazing that just popped up in my facebook feed.

"Now that I’m old and gray (but not quite in my rocker yet!), I look back on my life and think about things I wish I knew earlier. It would have made my life so much easier if I knew then what I know now. Here’s my list of things I wish I could turn back the hands of time to tell my younger self. Maybe it’s not too late for you.

1. You’re stronger than you think you are.
2. Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal.
3. There is nothing to hold you back except you.
4. You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s a matter of wanting it bad enough.
5. No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible.
6. You are limited only by your own imagination. Let it fly.
7. Perception is reality.
8. Your instincts can be trusted.
9. There is only one question to ask yourself: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”
10. It’s often hard to tell just how close you are to success.
11. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
12. Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.
13. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
14. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
15. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
16. Laughter is the best medicine for stress. Laugh at yourself often.
17. If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
18. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
19. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, you’ll often find that you’re right.
20. Be nice to yourself.
21. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think. Follow your own truth.
22. No education is wasted. Drink in as many new experiences as you can.
23. Making one person smile can change the world.
24. Don’t forget to enjoy your journey!
25. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
26. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
27. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28. Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak. It doesn’t always solve your problems either.
29. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
30. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
31. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
32. Give up worrying about what others think of you.
33. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
34. You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.
35. As Henry Ford put it, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
36. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone. Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.
37. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
38. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work. But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.
39. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long. Right now is life. Live it.
40. No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say. Just say what you need to say.
41. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.
42. If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks. That’s how dreams are achieved.
43. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
44. What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.
45. Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
46. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.
47. If it were easy everyone would do it.
48. Be vulnerable.
49. A problem is a chance for you to learn.
50. Regardless of the situation, life goes on."

We are all beggars

"Mother Teresa once said that sharing our faith is like 'one beggar telling another beggar where he found bread.' We are all beggars, and God has given us some food. Just as it would be a sin for someone who found a great amount of food not to share it with others who are starving, in like manner it is a sin for us to discover God, and then not to tell others about him!"
-Father Luke Veronis

I realize that other folks don't believe what I do, but I at least want my readers to understand where I'm coming from.  Keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with the people in your life.

Thanks for reading.

Sometimes simple is enough

I've realized that my expectations are a bit off at times.  I look at movies and TV and what's happening in US Weekly and expect that my life should mirror it.  It doesn't and it never will.  In most cases my best aspiration is for my life to be simple and uncomplicated by the potential problems that are out there.   

I'm reminded by this when I think about how I want N to show his love for me.  I scheduled for this post to publish the day after N and I decided to spend the rest of our lives together.  It's interesting timing in hindsight.  The book mentioned in the post is one of the best concepts about relationships I have ever read about.  The "five love languages" speaks about what your partner wants out of you, not simply what you are able to provide.  Do you want a hug but your partner isn't affectionate?  Tell him/her.  Are you a talker?  Tell your person.  Need a gesture? Tell them.  

It may sound odd but I'm still trying to be 100% clear about what my strengths are, what I want and what N needs. I've learned that my needs can be situational.  At times I just want him to listen, others I want him to make me laugh, give me a hug.  My favorite is when he's sweet out of no where, like when he wrote me the below in response to some music lyrics I sent him:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I am awesome, it's because of you.

It's not elaborate, but this simple silly expression of his love, made me so very happy.  When you get the chance, tell your person what you need.  

What a wonderful life!

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." -Colette


When we look back, we already know that none of us are going to wish we had worked longer or harder, etc, as I mentioned before.  


Take stock of what you have today!

Who's Shy? Still me!

Can you believe that my most popular blog post- of all time- was about shyness?  It was.  By far.

To refresh your memory, here it is again:  Who's Shy? This girl. 


I have to say, I think that part of me will always be shy on the inside.  Always.  I think it makes me a better person.  It makes me understand people better.  It makes me patient when there are people that I can't seem to drag information out of.  It makes me want to take any shy or uncomfortable person under my wing.  I want to protect and help them.

Mostly, I want to tell them that I understand and that everything will be ok.

Friends and Foes

This is the most adorable visual analogy for why there is no reason why we can't all get along.  Dogs, cats and foxes.

Someone Else's Bucket List

Sometimes I read an article, which leads me to another article linked to it, or it may instigate further research about the topic, etc.  I was reading my local advice column in the Washington Post.  Then it lead me here- and the actual source of the story.  As a history major long ago, I learned the value of primary source material.  It always seems to be far more interesting.

The woman who is the reason why I am writing all of this about is dying.  Slowly, but not slow enough.  Fast, but not fast enough- from ALS.  She chooses to live her life with as much joy as she can muster.  She's going through her bucket list.  The first item on her list was going to see the Northern Lights with her best friend.  That is an item on my list too, which made this story all the more poignant to me.

Next, she wrote about her 20th anniversary trip with her husband.

I like her writing style.  I appreciate her honesty.  I admire her.  She has spunk- courage.  I can't even imagine going through what she is.

Read about her life and get some perspective.